talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
