Do vagina's smell?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
