Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
