Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
