i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Drunk is not a location!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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