So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
