he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize