FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My bed smells like the plague
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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