apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
