I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize