Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
