3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
