Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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