Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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