Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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