No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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