"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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