I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
