Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sorry about my life...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
