i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
