When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
