it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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