i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Is it penis luge time yet?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
