I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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