your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
