If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
