she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
