I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
