I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
