I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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