Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
