I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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