that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm at about main and main street
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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