my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
