I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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