i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
