I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
