I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
