Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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