I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
