can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
