capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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