Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
