I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
a search helicopter?!
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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