I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
