Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
