hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
