if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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