When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i've created a new STD.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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