about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
