I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
