You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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