I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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