Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
