new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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