filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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