I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Randomize
