I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
