I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I need to calm my uterus...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
