rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
