I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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