Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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