Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I looked at my own cervix.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize