Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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