I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
