sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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