I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So. Much. Porn.
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