just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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