Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
