She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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