Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
